How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
