five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
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So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
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Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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