Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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