oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
