Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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