i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
