im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
