I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
