I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
