Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
