Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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