so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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