I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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