I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
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Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
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yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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