So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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