Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Floor bacon is actually really good
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
