Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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