Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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