She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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