Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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