Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
