I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
