my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
