I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
