I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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