Your dad touched me again.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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