Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
