i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
