I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
