just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
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As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
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YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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