Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
