I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
