Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
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He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
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And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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