stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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