i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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