Who did Billy Mays play for?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
