I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
