Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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