My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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