Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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