Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
