4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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