what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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