Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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