I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
