I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
