It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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