they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
