Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
