Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
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Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
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I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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