just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
