I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
