I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
