i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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