Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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