I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
