he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
