What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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