addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
