So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
