My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
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My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
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Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.