So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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