Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
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Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
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I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night